Is this Goodbye?

Is it time to say goodbye to breastfeeding already? I had been going through a mental struggle between stopping and continuing for the longest time. I believe I am not the only one feeling torn while making this decision. After all, the feeling is sweet. Cradling her in your arms and watching her suckle. She would sometimes return your gaze and give you a smile. Other times, you watch her drift into sleep and let go of you so every gently. The warmth of our bodies comfort each other and the bond we share is indescribable. These are the reasons that makes me question myself whenever I think of quitting breastfeeding.

So then, what motivates me to wean her off?

1. Sleep Deprivation 
I wake twice to thrice every night [till today at 22 months old] to soothe Faye back to sleep. Whenever she cries, I'll walk over to her room and present her my boobs on a silver platter. After my experience with Ewan, I decided to do away with the Cry It Out [CIO] method because I'd rather create Love than Anxiety at home. Personal opinions: leaving them to CIO makes them feel scared and rejected. They've been in the comfort of a tight and dark womb for 40 weeks. A sudden change in environment and feeding habits can be daunting. A cry for hunger or even for sheer comfort, should be attended to by a loving pair or hands. Security is key.

With that, I decided to nurse Faye for as long as she wants. With that, I am willing to sacrifice my sleep for her.

Unfortunately, I fell ill. With insufficient sleep, I am breaking apart from the impending shifting of house project and still making sure that the children have their fair share of fun every day. If I wore the fitbit, it'd probably tell me I have only three full hours of sleep every night. Interrupted rest is no joke at all and I know if we stopped breastfeeding, she would also stop waking up so many times a night. Faye is turning two next month. She definitely possess the capacity to understand, to self-soothe and to start drinking milk from the cup. Right?

I deserve some good night's rest to conquer the days better with the family. When moms fall ill, everyone's daily schedule will fall out of place as well. Ewan was weaned at 13 months old because he kept waking up at night and I just needed us to sleep through. After that, every one at home had a good night's rest.


2. Stiff Neck
In recent months, I've been getting the worst body aches ever. Not to mention, I get a stiff neck every month now. It is a huge hindrance this stiff neck? When it gets really bad, I couldn't even get out of bed without help not to mention accomplish daily chores with ease. It is the cause of bad sleeping posture and how did that happen? With practice, Faye and I learnt to nurse lying down in bed. This should be the most relaxing way to nurse but how did it end up so destructive?

When Faye latches in the middle of the night, she do not usually lets go. When that happens, I'd fall into deep sleep with her only to find myself in the same position three hours later. So there. TCM and acupuncture helps my neck and shoulder muscles get back in shape in the shortest healing time.  I'd walk around town with a big medicinal patch at the back of my neck smelling all so Aunty. However, it comes back again and again because I never found time to exercise nor make the effort to sleep correctly.

Not only do I have sleep deprivation, I believe she has it too since she wakes up so many times a night?


3. Dependency
Not only do I provide her the milk feed she needs, I have become her pacifier. When she falls and knocks her head, she needs to be comforted through suckling. When her brother provokes her enough to make her cry, she needs to be comforted through suckling. When she is tired, she needs to be comforted through suckling. She cannot live without me and so I bring her everywhere I go even on holiday trips with my girlfriends. She is self-sustainable in school and it doesn't seem like she will go into withdrawal syndromes when I'm not there. So really, it is all dependency.

This is a bad habit I wish I can help her kick.


So we started this weaning programme yesterday at nap time. I do not want to go into details about how much she cried but she screamed the day away. We've successfully went through 17 gruelling hours without latching. Every time I see her pitiful face and her tearful pleas [she actually cried, "Please" repeatedly], I had the urge to give in. I questioned my decision every time and I am sure I'd be questioning myself later as well. Then I told myself,

"She has already cried so much. Do not let her cry in vain. I've started this and there is no turning back."

There is a love-hate relationship between breastfeeding and I. As much as I love being so close to Faye, knowing that I am still able to provide for her in a special way that only she and I can understand, I wanted us to be "Free". I admit that I want to stop wearing button-down shirts and nursing clothes when we go out because I miss my nice dresses too!

I will miss nursing Faye so very much. I am already missing it now that I'm in the middle of this weaning implementation. Trust me. It is very difficult for the mommy's heart as much as it is for my baby girl. I couldn't stop telling her that I love her even though I look so evil in her eyes, refusing her her comfort. She has so many questions in her eyes that I wished we never have to go through this the hard way.

Nursing her came very naturally as soon as she was born unlike Ewan [Nursing The Dragon, Milking The Chick]. I didn't have mastitis nor sore nipples. It was very pleasant an experience from the very beginning.

I am sorry we have to put our breastfeeding journey behind Faye. I am going through a lot of struggles, even now, as I make this decision. Let's work this out together, shall we?

Edit [11.04.16] :: Faye is successfully weaned off the breast on the third day. The first and second days were the biggest struggle. I used distraction methods like turning on music that she likes or showing her a short video clip on the phone if she asked for milk. The nights were easy because the room is totally darkened and she could fall asleep on her own [with me lying next to her of course].

However, the afternoon naps were a huge problem because the room was bright. She cried for more than an hour each day as she fought with my decision to stop nursing. When I tried to carry her, she  screamed and arched her back. When I tried to rock her to sleep, she wailed and tried to throw herself out of my arms. When I put her down on the bed, she cried even harder. Eventually, I let her cry while I laid beside her. It was as heart-wrenching for her as it was for me. I thought she might fall asleep from all those crying but she did not even after an hour of screaming. Day Three was a Saturday and I was sure it would take longer than three days to wean her off. Surprisingly, all was well from the third day! She understood me! She understood mommy isn't gong to nurse her anymore! Just like that, all she asked for was for me to lie next to her.

She still woke in the middle of the night crying for me. Instead of clawing my top off to reach her milk source, she patted onto the pillow next to her and told me, "Mommy sleep here." I rested my head on her pillow and she drifted back to lala-land. I was impressed by her ability to adapt and change. It seems that perseverance is the key to success. I have tried several times before this but always succumbed to nursing after a few cries. She learnt that crying will break this mommy. This time, Mommy 1 - 0 Faye.

The feeling is bittersweet.

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